discontentment

Discontentment is a sneaky foe.

I had an ah ha moment today. In the midst of an emotional breakdown about our vacation being canceled, I realized so many of the emotions or reasons for being upset were full on rooted in discontentment! Discontentment that has been brewing for quite some time now and has been seeping into my life.

There were definitely valid reasons for me to be upset about this vacation being canceled. We have had a difficult start to the year with loss, and we were looking forward to rest and relaxation. I was also really excited to enjoy all the summer vibes: wear the cute outfits, enjoy the summer sun, pool time, dinners out after a pool/beach day, relaxing spa, etc. And a few other reasons. That is the thing about discontentment, it can be accompanied by valid feelings and emotions.

The discontentment dawned on me when I started to think about why I was really so upset. Yes, I wanted the trip for relaxation, rest, and family time, but I was also banking on it to get some "Pinterest worthy" and "aesthetic summer vibes" content.

I have been feeling like my content wasn't good enough, like my pictures weren't aesthetic enough, and my life wasn't glamorous enough. I saw that vacation at a nice resort on somebody else's dime as a way for me to create content that looked like all the influencer girlies on their summer vacations, brand trips, and Europeans summers.

But I didn't create my Pinterest and blog for that!

Don't get me wrong, I am not going to turn down a European summer or a brand trip if I ever get blessed in that way, but I didn't create my brand to chase someone else's, lose site of gratitude, or fall into the hustle and bustle, fast-content lifestyle.

I created my Pinterest and blog as a way to document living my life abundantly and using the creativity, passions, and skills God has uniquely given to me. I want a space that feels like welcomed slow motion, engulfing comfort, and simple joy. I don't want a space that fosters an attitude of living life only to create content, to keep up with the girly pop next to me doing her own God-given thing, or fake, aesthetic perfection.

I forgot that I could sit outside on my own patio at my beautiful house that I was dreaming about this time last year and feel the warmth and rays of the same sun that I would feel poolside at a resort. Perspective and gratitude is everything, and inspired, beautiful content is right where I am.

Signs of Discontentment for Me:

1. Scrolling Endlessly - Why am I scrolling so much? The dopamine, the lack of energy I am putting into my own life, living vicariously through others, etc.? Scrolling mindlessly can really be a sign for me that I'm letting discontentment seep in. Even my comfort creators can turn into people I am chasing to be or comparing myself to. It is a constant self check-in/assessment of the role social media is playing in my life and why I am consuming it.

   
   

2. Lack of Inspiration - I am not inspired in or by my own life, or nothing I am doing feels worthy or good enough. Perfection (not achievable) and inspiration are not the same thing but they start to look the same to me when discontentment is seeping into my heart, mind, and creativity.

   
   

3. Overspending - The mindset that "if I have this, I'll be happy/look perfect/be trendy" or I am chasing all the girlies that I have been watching in my endless scrolling.

   
   

4. Overconsumption - of tv, food, scheduling, sleep, etc. Overconsumption for me stems from looking for a dopamine boost or lacking intentionality in my life because of the fog of discontentment.

   
   

5. Uneasiness + Friction - Always feeling like I am behind, not in the right place/doing enough, not accomplishing tasks, unfocused, or should be doing something else.

   
   

6. Jealousy + Envy - I am jealous and envious of others around me in my life or on socials. I can resent others for their successes or forget to be joyful and supportive of those around me in their own, beautiful, God-given lanes.

   
   

7. Selfishness + Self-Focus - I become so self-focused from the fog of discontentment. I have a hard time gaining perspective or seeing past my own issues. I feel like I have too many "issues" to have time for others, but it really is just discontentment.

   
   

8. Easily Triggered + Irritable - I don't role with the punches very well. Small inconveniences seem like big problems. I put all my eggs in one basket and I take it poorly when something happens to that basket. I'm irritable because my brain and spirit is in "lack" mode.

   
   

9. Doing for Content vs. Content of Doing - I look for things to do that are aesthetic, can keep up appearances, or are socials worthy. I start living my life for the perception of it all, instead of living life abundantly and capturing it because I enjoy it.

Discontentment can sneak up and steal the joy. Sometimes our dream boards can turn into our envy boards, and our sources of inspiration can leave us feeling like we are lacking in our current life. Let the dream boards and Pinterest boards inspire you, but don't forget to be immensely grateful for what you have while you work for what you want. I am pledging to lead with gratitude and peaceful contentment today.

xx, AJ